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Wanted: Cuddle for Mummy

I have had so many lovely comments about how brave I am and how positive I am being…. for 95% of the time they are right, but I have my moments and tonight is one of them.

It’s over a week since I put my little man to bed. He’s visited me but it’s not the same as him being at home with mummy.  I know it’s for the best and I could not cope with him being here or risk him knocking me but it doesn’t take away the loneliness I feel.

When I feel sad, I always sneak in his room and go lay beside his bed. I watch him sleep, I watch him breath and count my lucky stars that against all odds he was a little fighter making it into the world.  For months we didn’t know if he had been affected by being starved of oxygen at birth but as the weeks past after he came into the world, he reached all the milestones, often before he should have and I was the proudest and most relieved mummy in the world. He recently started school and apparently “he’s a bright little button” 🙂

I had always liked the idea of a little girl, so I could recreate what mum and I had, I was her little shadow….. 38 years later we are still as close.

But my little man is everything I could have wished for and more. Someone once told me that boys give the best cuddles and they will always look after their mums. He certainly gives the best cuddles and I keep telling him he has to look after me forever!

I could do with one of his “cuggles”  so much right now, I just want him to be back here where he belongs.

I want our life to be back to how it was……….But I know no matter how much I “wish” there is no going back, although Lenny has gone, life won’t ever be the same again but I have my beautiful family and I am still “gem” and  I know my little boy will be home soon 🙂

This is just a mini wobble and it will pass.cuddles

 

 

 

Feeling loved

I have had so many lovely cards, messages and gifts from family and friends and today I received a beautiful flower arrangement from my close colleagues at work.

Throughout this journey, work have been amazing. My boss and team could not have been any more supportive and I really do appreciate all their help.  Although I know that I need to put myself first and give myself time to recover, I can’t help but feeling guilty. I know they are all having to take on extra responsibilities whilst I am off and my business partner doesn’t have his “advisor” around.

I know it won’t be long until I am back though. I have decided to be very open about my health situation. It wasn’t an easy to decision to make to being open with work colleagues but I felt that me going off work with “personnel health issues” wasn’t going to help anyone.

If I could share my story and raise awareness then that would help someone, even if 1 person started checking themselves that is 1 person who could help save their life.

 

flowers

 

Help!!!!! Get the Bra!!!!!

I don’t know how I would have got through these last few weeks without my husband. He has been an absolute rock.  This week though his talents and skills have gone to another level as he has had to become my nurse.   I am not a pretty site at the moment, battered and bruised…. really bruised… do people really go through this for a boob job?

Then there is drain, tubes and the collection box that we must change everyday.  There is no room for being squeamish around here.  We have a little routine going now, hubby’s strengths of systems and processes come into play!  He also helps with my dressings, getting them in all the right places to help me feel as comfortable as I can.

I did have a moment though whilst getting a shower for the first time at home today. ….

I was getting undressed which isn’t the most easiest thing to do when you have a drain to somehow balance. In my defence, this was the first time I have taken off my bra since Lenny was evicted.

Fu$$$$$$$$$$$$kinnnnngggggggggggghellllllllll”I screamed.

“I need some help”  – learnt that one from holby city!!!!!!

Enter Hubby (very promptly)….. he knows from holby city those words are serious!!!!!

“HELP ME GET THE BRA BACK ON MY BOOBS ARE GONNA DROP OFF!”

“Gem, they are not gobranna fall off”

“Well they bloody feel like they are!”

Looking back I knew he was right.

I obviously wasn’t used to the “perky” new feeling of these new boobs compared with the somewhat “drooped” version!  But for that moment I did honestly think they were gonna fall off!

This was definitely one to check with the breast cancer nurse!

Life without Lenny – Day 1

Well I have got more drugs to take than Boots have in stock but I am not complaining as my pain is minimal.

Another victory – I am no longer a smurf too!  I managed to get a shower and not kill myself on my drains, can just see the headlines…  “Women survives cancer but killed by spaghettidolly junction drains!”

I had to call hubby to ask if he could bring me a new phone charger,  I was being a smart ar$e and tied it to my posh remote controlled bed so I would’t lose it but then forgot it was still tied there when I moved my bed up – snap!  This whole Lenny journey is bloody expensive. Overnight bag, new pjs and now a new phone charger! Can you sue a lump for damages???

Hubby returns with a super long charger and the coolest wine bottle I ever saw, have attached it to the blog!

He also is holding an envelope…..it’s a parking ticket….and it belongs to me! Apparently I parked in a well known supermarket car park for 5 minutes too long.  “Let’s call it 1-1”, Rob says….. he got one a few months back.  Normally something like this would make my blood boil but since I got diagnosed, things just don’t stress me out… well that and the cocktail of drugs I am on!

That reminds me, the amount of money I have spent on “doodle” pens, must add that to the list when I sue Lenny!

I will have to save the vino for once I am off all these drugs!


My friend brought me a bottle of wine when I was hooked up to morphine in intensive care (it’s the thought that counts… ) and I chundered for England after one swig. They thought it was an allergic reaction to morphine. I was like…. Noooooooooooooo… it was a dodgy burger!! They were doing all my stats and I had a bottle of wine shoved under the sheets. 

To be fair … didn’t need it with morphine. Cxx


Today is another big day, the compression bandages that have been acting as my bra are removed.   As advised I have bought some post surgery bras. They are actually extremely pretty.   Unfortunately my bcn takes one look at them and says “nope sorry gemma, they are not gonna do the job” Ffs … to day is an expensive day!  Thankfully they have back up supplies in these situations, I may resemble an 80 year old in them but if they are “fit for purpose” I am good with that!

I do take a look at the “damage” They do look like mutant boobs but today is not a day of self pity for the legacy of my “somewhat dropped” boobs. I know that today I am seeing them at their worst and I have seen so many post surgery boob photos that I know in 3 months time my boobs will have gone back in time 10 years! Woohoo! I will find a silver lining of this journey, I will! ….and I remember that I maybe battered and bruised and look like a patchwork quilt from a horror movie but I no longer have a squatter and morphine is my best friend!

The breast cancer nurse takes out my right side drain, she gets me to hold my breath…. in and out…… which I get completely wrong, scare her half to death with my “panting” then I start with the giggles!  Not sure if that was distraction theory gone wrong but it worked!  She then gives me a Cath Kidston menu of Dolly drain bags that will help me carry my drain for the next few days.  – free immo Cath k. bag with breast cancer surgery! Bargain !!!!

Sometimes I forget I have a serious life threatening illness! But humour has got me through every day since I found Lenny and cancer ain’t taking that away from me!

Just before tea, we are discharged from the hospital, it’s good to be going home and this time without Lenny 🙂

wine

 

I’ve been smurfed!

You are the weakest lump, Goodbye!!

Lenny’s last supper

last supper

We are all staying at my parent’s tonight and due to my “munchies”
post hangover, I have requested takeout from our favourite Italian restaurant. I am seriously stocking up on carbs before the fasting begins tonight!

So far nerves are ok and in my usual “being prepared” style my gorgeous new Cath Kidston bag is all packed and ready to go 🙂

I am trying not to think about the apprehension I have of bring put under. I know I will be down for a good 3-4 hours.   It’s not me I am worried about but Rob. The last time I was put under was a crash c-section.

Anyway I don’t even want to think about that right now.

I read my little man a story and give him the biggest cuddles and kisses. I won’t see him for a few days. He knows I am going to have Lennythe bad lump taken away. We have been reading the “mummy’s lump” book  I was given by my Breast  Cancer Nurse, just read a couple of pages so far. At that age I have been told that they just want to know what is happening next. He has requested that I am in hospital for 5 days! I bloody hope not!

He loves his sleep overs at Nanny and papas. It helps me a lot as if means I do t have to worry about him at all.


This time tomorrow you will have HAD cancer … past.. gone … fuc&ed off and you’ve done it!! Just a case of making sure it doesn’t come back after that.

I hope all goes well…know that soooo many people are thinking of you as am I. Don’t forget anytime night or day you want to talk.. I’m here. 

There will be a huge relief when it’s over… and you’ll be glad you didn’t use a knife and fork after all. 

Lots of love Cxxx


I will do, let me know what drugs I should ask for the pain too 😉 Gxx


Morphine … It’s fu$£ing ace!! When you come out of op.. they will ask you how much pain you are in on a scale of 1 to to 10. Say 8!! Gets you the gold stuff. It’s like 10 tequila slammers without the hangover. CXx

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