Wanted: Cuddle for Mummy

I have had so many lovely comments about how brave I am and how positive I am being…. for 95% of the time they are right, but I have my moments and tonight is one of them.

It’s over a week since I put my little man to bed. He’s visited me but it’s not the same as him being at home with mummy.  I know it’s for the best and I could not cope with him being here or risk him knocking me but it doesn’t take away the loneliness I feel.

When I feel sad, I always sneak in his room and go lay beside his bed. I watch him sleep, I watch him breath and count my lucky stars that against all odds he was a little fighter making it into the world.  For months we didn’t know if he had been affected by being starved of oxygen at birth but as the weeks past after he came into the world, he reached all the milestones, often before he should have and I was the proudest and most relieved mummy in the world. He recently started school and apparently “he’s a bright little button” 🙂

I had always liked the idea of a little girl, so I could recreate what mum and I had, I was her little shadow….. 38 years later we are still as close.

But my little man is everything I could have wished for and more. Someone once told me that boys give the best cuddles and they will always look after their mums. He certainly gives the best cuddles and I keep telling him he has to look after me forever!

I could do with one of his “cuggles”  so much right now, I just want him to be back here where he belongs.

I want our life to be back to how it was……….But I know no matter how much I “wish” there is no going back, although Lenny has gone, life won’t ever be the same again but I have my beautiful family and I am still “gem” and  I know my little boy will be home soon 🙂

This is just a mini wobble and it will pass.cuddles




Feeling loved

I have had so many lovely cards, messages and gifts from family and friends and today I received a beautiful flower arrangement from my close colleagues at work.

Throughout this journey, work have been amazing. My boss and team could not have been any more supportive and I really do appreciate all their help.  Although I know that I need to put myself first and give myself time to recover, I can’t help but feeling guilty. I know they are all having to take on extra responsibilities whilst I am off and my business partner doesn’t have his “advisor” around.

I know it won’t be long until I am back though. I have decided to be very open about my health situation. It wasn’t an easy to decision to make to being open with work colleagues but I felt that me going off work with “personnel health issues” wasn’t going to help anyone.

If I could share my story and raise awareness then that would help someone, even if 1 person started checking themselves that is 1 person who could help save their life.




Help!!!!! Get the Bra!!!!!

I don’t know how I would have got through these last few weeks without my husband. He has been an absolute rock.  This week though his talents and skills have gone to another level as he has had to become my nurse.   I am not a pretty site at the moment, battered and bruised…. really bruised… do people really go through this for a boob job?

Then there is drain, tubes and the collection box that we must change everyday.  There is no room for being squeamish around here.  We have a little routine going now, hubby’s strengths of systems and processes come into play!  He also helps with my dressings, getting them in all the right places to help me feel as comfortable as I can.

I did have a moment though whilst getting a shower for the first time at home today. ….

I was getting undressed which isn’t the most easiest thing to do when you have a drain to somehow balance. In my defence, this was the first time I have taken off my bra since Lenny was evicted.

Fu$$$$$$$$$$$$kinnnnngggggggggggghellllllllll”I screamed.

“I need some help”  – learnt that one from holby city!!!!!!

Enter Hubby (very promptly)….. he knows from holby city those words are serious!!!!!


“Gem, they are not gobranna fall off”

“Well they bloody feel like they are!”

Looking back I knew he was right.

I obviously wasn’t used to the “perky” new feeling of these new boobs compared with the somewhat “drooped” version!  But for that moment I did honestly think they were gonna fall off!

This was definitely one to check with the breast cancer nurse!