6th July 2017

The countdown is over, the day has arrived.  We (hubby and I) arrive super early, I hate being late and I know it will only add unnecessary anxiety.

I know today I won’t find anything out in terms of results but I try to reassure my brain that today is work in progress to getting to the results and every step is a step forward.

I scan the waiting room, it has two areas.  It is hard not to compare myself to all the others sat here. So far, I am the youngest in the room. Then my heart drops, a women walks in with a pushchair, a mum like me. I was lucky to not have to bring my 4 year old and instead he is blissfully unaware, practising for his school play. He is very proud to be a “Starfish” although I feel like the “bad mum” as I have ordered his outfit from my personnel shopper Amazon! My mum keeps reassuring me that I have enough on my plate without trying to be super mum making costumes!

I then scan the area furthest away from us.  Lots more older women and then I notice a women younger than me, much younger than me – early 20s max.  I can’t help but think back to when I was her age, no kids, no husband – first job out of uni.  All my life ahead of me.  I really hope she is ok, I really do.

My name is called promptly and I see the Registrar.  He asks a few questions, examines the lump area and then tells me due to my age I will have an ultrasound.

Suddenly I start to feel nervous, I start to shake.  I remind myself of my breathing techniques I use before I present at work.  Today they are not working, I am shaking like its sub zero temperatures.

The Radiographer is so friendly, I can’t give her bad marks for people skills but then I remember that they are professionally trained to deal with people like me!

I look at the Ultrasound screen and remember that the last time I saw one of these I was 20 weeks pregnant. I never thought back then that my next ultrasound would be to find out what exactly this ba$tard lump was!

The Radiographer talks to me, all I take in are the words “abnormal” suspicious” and I know that these are bad lump words!