6th July 2017
The countdown is over, the day has arrived. We (hubby and I) arrive super early, I hate being late and I know it will only add unnecessary anxiety.
I know today I won’t find anything out in terms of results but I try to reassure my brain that today is work in progress to getting to the results and every step is a step forward.
I scan the waiting room, it has two areas. It is hard not to compare myself to all the others sat here. So far, I am the youngest in the room. Then my heart drops, a women walks in with a pushchair, a mum like me. I was lucky to not have to bring my 4 year old and instead he is blissfully unaware, practising for his school play. He is very proud to be a “Starfish” although I feel like the “bad mum” as I have ordered his outfit from my personnel shopper Amazon! My mum keeps reassuring me that I have enough on my plate without trying to be super mum making costumes!
I then scan the area furthest away from us. Lots more older women and then I notice a women younger than me, much younger than me – early 20s max. I can’t help but think back to when I was her age, no kids, no husband – first job out of uni. All my life ahead of me. I really hope she is ok, I really do.
My name is called promptly and I see the Registrar. He asks a few questions, examines the lump area and then tells me due to my age I will have an ultrasound.
Suddenly I start to feel nervous, I start to shake. I remind myself of my breathing techniques I use before I present at work. Today they are not working, I am shaking like its sub zero temperatures.
The Radiographer is so friendly, I can’t give her bad marks for people skills but then I remember that they are professionally trained to deal with people like me!
I look at the Ultrasound screen and remember that the last time I saw one of these I was 20 weeks pregnant. I never thought back then that my next ultrasound would be to find out what exactly this ba$tard lump was!
The Radiographer talks to me, all I take in are the words “abnormal” suspicious” and I know that these are bad lump words!