I decided to phone up my breast cancer nurse to check my results were back ahead of our “Results” appointment tomorrow.. My dad always told me Plan Do Check Act. This was the “Check” piece.  I didn’t want to do a 2 hour round trip and go through all the emotions to be told only some of the results were back.

The results are back. Shit! Double shit!

I feel sick. My results are sat in a folder in someone’s drawer at that hospital.  My life is hanging in that drawer! I need to get in that drawer!

I can feel the wobble starting to come over, the negative thoughts are turning into negative feelings 😦

I have been so snappy tonight and full of self pity. My positive attitude has really helped me through these moments and actually I haven’t really had many self pity thoughts but tonight even this is being tested to it’s limits.

Tonight I feel angry, really angry. I start asking myself questions, questions I can’t answer………

Why did I get cancer?

I am not overweight, I have lost 3 stone and my bmi was described as perfect. I don’t smoke, never have done apart from 2 fags I had on a drunken night out which left me thinking why do people do this??  I drink but I doubt 1 gin and tonic on a Friday night counts as binge drinking!. I have never been so fit in my life.

Am I being punished?

Does karma really exist?

Tonight I shout at hubby, we have disagreements but I have learnt over the years that shouting at him doesn’t work.

However, tonight I get shouted back at. Now that is a rare thing!

This isn’t his fault either. I know it isn’t my fault.

I just don’t have time for cancer.

I love being a mum, a wife, a professional and actually I was loving being the new fit me.

I just want to know what I am dealing with now.   I hope it’s still grade 2 and hasn’t got any worse. I bloody hate the waiting game.

Maybe I should go and break in tonight!??? All I need to do is turn into Cat-woman!!!

I text C.

C: “Ahhhhh… it’s not the knowing that worse! If I help you break in … I’d probably grab the wrong tumour!! I’m blonde. “

Seriously though… you’ll know tomorrow what you’re dealing with. Or actually dealt with. And the clean up mission begins. You will let me know won’t you?? Xxx

G: Of course I will let you know, you are top of that list! I told a lot of people it could be next week for results (which it could have been as hey told me not to get my hopes up for this week). At least I can give myself some space to process this. Xx

C: You’ll actually feel relieved … amongst other things. You can’t fight your enemy without knowing their weaknesses. And that’s really what the results are xx

G: Your one liners are brill! You have such a natural talent at this! You always put things into perspective for me. P.s my 4 year old may have seen the “pretend boobie remote control” pic and is now obsessed with it!! Xx

C: He’ll be scared for life!!! As are so many men… 😈😈. Winner!!! What time you get results? Xx

G: 10:15. Unless I do decide to be cat woman in the night and breakin! Xx

C: Have a drink. Sleep as well as you can. Take a note pad (but get someone else to write it down. I guess hubby is going? )

But I suggest writing a list before you go in.

The questions I would ask:

Tumour size?

DCIS seen?

Vascular invasion?

Her 2 receptive?

What percentage hormonal receptive?

Clear margins?

Lymph nodes.. any cells seen in sentinel nodes (you might have micromets or isolated tumour cells).. just write it down what they say.

Treatment options?

Is oncotype dx an option (will depend on above results but it’s worth an ask even if it doesn’t make sense right now.)

I’ll keep my phone on … you know I will happily answer any questions at anytime. 

You’ve done hard bit.

You’re already a cancer survivor.

Feels ace Eh? 

I’ll be thinking of you. You are always in my thoughts. 

Massive hugs. Xxxxxxxx

That women is my own superhero, the major wobble is fading and I am cuddled up to hubby in bed.