We are on our way to the hospital. Pink notepad in tow! Everything has become pink in my world! I just need a pink handbag. I have seen a Ted baker one but hubby isn’t having any of it. Even playing the c card hasn’t worked!  I am relatively calm considering the wobble last night and I have combined my questions with Dr C”s list.

We arrive and are called in by my breast cancer nurse.

We do the usual small talk and then get down to business.

Surgeon: “Well results are back and “on the whole they are good”

On the whole, on the whole……What the fu£k does that mean!!!, thankfully I am not talking out loud!!!!!

We go through my list of questions.

Here is the summary:

The good news

• Same grade
• Tumour was smaller only 15mm
• Strongly Hormone positive, my cancer feeds on hormones which means I can have targeted therapy
• Her2 negative
• No vascular invasion

The bad news

• 1 node positive – this means the cancer has an ability to spread which is not good. thankfully it is only in 1 and hopefully the nodes will have done their job of “catching” it.

I am processing this with every cell my brain has but then I am thrown left field……..

“We will be recommending chemotherapy and radiotherapy then hormone therapy

Shit fu&k bolpocks – “Chemo” I say out load.

He can tell I am shocked and upset, although surprisingly I am not shaking! Why am I being so calm?

Before today, Chemo was only ever a “discussion”, not a “recommendation” that has a totally different meaning!

So I ask about the onco test – thank goodness for Dr C and her list last night!

Apparently, yes I can have this done to determine the likelihood of distant re-occurrence and potential benefit from chemo.

I will see the Oncologist on Monday, I would have chemo first then radiotherapy then start 10 years of hormone therapy. Potentially starting within a month!

He examines his sewing and he is pleased with their progress. “At least I get a decent pair of boobs out of this” I say out loud.

“We will see you in 6 months!”

Wow. Part of me feels sad to not be seeing him for so long. He has looked after my boobs so well.

We walk out of the hospital………..It’s a weird feeling……..relief…..but mixed emotions

We know what we are up against now but the chemo left field has caught us both out.  I call my mum. She is with my dad and aunt.  I start with the positives,remembering the sandwich technique of feedback. Then I talk about the node. She is a nurse she knows what nodes are.

Then we talk chemo.  She is asking me questions I don’t know the answers to and I am starting to get frustrated. I am not frustrated with her but I just don’t know the answers.

I turn and I can see Hubby is struggling.

“I have to go mum. Will talk later”

He grabs my hand. Really tight. He doesn’t need to say anything. I know this is so hard for him too.  I am his wife and best friend

I squeeze his hand back.

“Food?”

“Yep”

C was right it is a relief, my body feels it too and for the first time in weeks I am starving hungry!