It’s Sunday early evening and I’m getting organised ahead of my appointment with my Oncologist tomorrow. Oh yes, you know I like to plan and the Prof would be disappointed in me if I didn’t have a full set of questions – he knows I like to keep him on his toes!
I should get my Onco dx results tomorrow (I have already checked and they are back), the results will then determine whether I have 4 chemo cycles or 6. Obviously I am really hoping for only 4 chemo cycles but I have set my expectations on it being 6. It’s my way of coping with the news and 4 would be a bonus, it would also mean that chemo would hopefully be finished this year. However, I have also had a good chat with myself that it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we go over into next year.
It was whilst writing my list, I noticed a few strands of dark brown hair on my note pad. It took me a while to realise they were mine as I am not used to seeing short dark hair. But given I live with two blondies, they could only be mine.
I decided to gently tug my hair and a few more came out 😦
“I think it’s time”…… I whispered to myself
I had been wondering when it would start to happen, this sounds really weird but at least I know the chemo is working – I will find a bloody positive in this!
I can’t help but feel a little sad, I would be lying if I said I was “ok”.
Throughout this journey I have always said I would be honest about my feelings, well here they are.
I do worry how my family will cope with me losing my hair. We have joked that it will be the first time in my life I will have less hair than my dad….. I’ll still be better looking than you though Dad 😉
I also worry that my husband won’t find me attractive, I know I know he loves me for who I am but you can’t help but worry.
I am prepared though, I have 2 amazing wigs and 2 beanies and I have been trained to draw on eyebrows! That reminds me I need to order a beanie to go running (yes I am hoping to get “signed” off from the physio on Tuesday).
I turn to the little man….
“I think my hair is falling out, I think it is time I will need to put my wig on”
“Ok Mummy” he replies without a care in the world
I have read the Mummy’s lump book enough times that he knows what lies ahead and he has always been part of the wig selection committee.
At bedtime I decide it’s time to have another read of Mummy’s lump. This time he is very interested in the chemotherapy section.
“Mummy, what does your chemotherapy medicine taste like”
Oh shit, was not expecting this……..
“Strawberry” I reply…. …Shit why did I just tell a pork pie!!!!!!
“I like Strawberry, it must be red, is it red Mummy?
Double Shit – now I am in trouble!
“Er well yes sometimes it is red, but mine was white”
Technically it is red, well FEC is red if I end up having that next
“How long do you have to have your medicine”
“I think another 15 weeks”
“That is a long time Mummy”
“Not as long a 100 weeks”
“No Mummy, that would be a really long time”
We then move on to another story and I get the biggest kiss and cuddle in the world. Love my boy to the moon and back.
P.S Dear Lord if you are reading this, I am sorry for saying Chemo tasted of Strawberries, I will be apologising in my prayers tonight.