A little piece missing

So I have a confession.  I have made a promise all through this journey to talk about the ups and the downs of this rollercoaster.

Ok here goes….After Rosie left last night, I had a few sad moments. We’d had such a fun afternoon and, after she’d gone, I felt like a little piece of me was missing 😦



I had a few “darker” thoughts… what if I’m not around in a 5 years time? I bloody hate this 5 year prognosis that you all seem to be measured against at times.  Don’t get me wrong, my prognosis is really good but it doesn’t half mess with your head at times!

I’m not very good at hiding emotions and my subduedness (if that is such a word) is quickly picked up by hubby.

We have a little chat and we put things into perspective….

I have to remember all the good “facts” about my cancer versus a lot of the bad cancers people are diagnosed with.

It’s at times like this I think back to all those people, innocent people, who have lost their lives. The Manchester Arena attack, those poor kids, there are some days it still feels so raw. It was only back in January that I was there watching Strictly!  Then there are all those people who lose their life’s driving there cars on journeys, none of us really know what is around the corner.

They say traumatic events in your life put things into perspective. Change you priorities, I am finding that to be so true.

I’ve never been a “stressy” person in fact feedback at work I have been told that I bring a “calming influence” to situations but I did used to “over think” and “over analyse” situations. More so at home than at work which is ironic given my job is to analyse numbers!

But these days, the over thinking has really reduced. Hubby is definitely a positive influence, he often says “what is the point of worrying about something you can’t control?”  To a large extent this is so true.

I have started reading a book that a close colleague bought me. It’s called “how to heal your life.”  One thing it has taught me so far is about how thoughts turn into feelings and then can turn into reality.

So if you think something negative, you “feel” that something, and you feel it so much it ends up happening.

Ok sounds a bit extreme but over the last 4 months since diagnosis I have caught myself thinking the worst.  There haven’t been many of those moments, but when I have thought them, I have definitely “felt” them.

Now I am just more aware of bad “thoughts” and I try my best not to move them to a “feelings”.

It sounds crazy but I am just really enjoying each day at the moment, I know next week it’s back to chemo and inevitably I am gonna feel shit but Lenny is not spoiling my good days.

As Robbie Williams recently sang

“I love my life” ………I bloody do!

and  “I feel powerful” …… (I am kicking your ass Lenny)

“I am beautiful” (with a bit, ok maybe a LOT, of makeup on!)

and “I am free” ……yes now you have slung your hook Lenny!!!

Confession over.  Happy Gem is back!


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