Wig – check

Wig brush – check

Beanie – check

Oil – check

1 lemon – check

Yes, this is in fact my overnight bag checklist!  It’s worse than when we used to pack to take my little boy anywhere when he was a baby!

I may have gone slightly over board with the lemon but I am determined to keep up my daily routine and if I am gonna be having a drink then I need all the help I can get to detox it out of my system!  Hubby did remind me that we are staying in a “nice” hotel and he is sure they will bring me a lemon if I ask!

It’s 4:30am, in T minus 5 hours I should have seen the Prof.  I’m feeling so much more positive today 🙂

Yesterday morning I had another wobble, probably between mini and big on the Wobble-o-meter.  I was on my own in the house when the wobble started to “rear” its head.

The boys were out in the garden building a box. Tears ran down my face as I saw the little man helping Daddy with the screws. Love my boys so much.  They are so close and although little man is a mummy’s boy he loves, and looks up to, his Daddy so much.

At wobble times I know it’s best to keep busy, so I decide to iron and tidy the house!  It’s amazing what goes off in your head even when ironing.  After I lost my aunt and uncle I started to re find my faith again. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t go to church regularly but I do talk to the man up there every so often.

Today I spoke to him again, mid ironing I said a little prayer. Right there in the middle of the dining room for all the walkers by to see. Who cares??!!

I decided I needed to do something about these thoughts so I posted out to the support network on Facebook. I needed to know if anyone else had similar “things” happen to them.  It’s not long before I get messaged back from the girls. Some messages of support, which although give me no answers do still really help me but a couple come through with their experiences. The consensus is they think it is a reactive node. I want to believe them so much, I really do.

I also reached out to C. I am not sure why I left it 48 hours, I guess I didn’t want to bother her…

That afternoon I get a text from C. Here it is:

C: I know … 

But Chemo is very likely to be putting you in the menopause.  When you are slammed dunked in (as opposed to a gradual natural menopause) you are going to get bad hot flushes and night sweats.

Gemma… this is your first ‘is cancer back?” Episode. 

It’s a huge huge wobble. 

After my first basta$d meeting with breast cancer .. I developed a lump in my neck… a lymph node. 

It was my first shit a fu$king brick moment. 

They of course got me in asap and did a scan. 

My tears were filling my ears and they did it.  But it wasn’t. It was just a swollen lymph. 

People without cancer get them too.   But guess what … they don’t notice .. because we are looking for it.

It’s fuc$ing hard .. very hard… but I am 99% sure you are fine. 

Xxxxx

Also 

When you have had cancer .. if you have symptoms etc..as a diagnosis docs will work back from cancer.

i.e you have a cough .. they will rule out cancer first and work down .. anybody else would get a prescription for antibiotics.

It’s a new normal.. but you are royalty now…you will be looked after! Every medical person you meet will make it their mission to see you right. That’s not medical ethics .. that’s humanity.  You will bring that out in people you didn’t even know about.

 

C is a legend, a bloody legend, she could make a lot of money from her advice!  It’s amazing how her text has “ lifted me” and given me hope.

That night I find another lump, it’s below the the first one. Instead of “shitting a brick” as C says, I feel calm. A cancer node wouldn’t just come up like that, hello world I’m here isn’t its style.

I think it is reactive.

 

---

 

It’s 9:30 and I’ve just seen the Prof.  I am skipping out his office, yes it was good news!!!!

He believes the lumps are being caused by a Respiratory Tract infection as my tonsils are up same side and I do have a sore throat.

Why didn’t the bloody GP check my throat?

My dad thinks I scared him to death with my “give me a fricking referral”

I questioned the Prof about the Hodgkins ( well I need to understand) and he said those lumps feel very different to what I have.  He doesn’t think it is secondaries either as it is on other side of my body and doesn’t follow the normal route of nodes.  He does believe the nightsweats are my sensitivity to hormones so he is going to do lots of hormone tests ready for me starting my hormone therapy as I am likely to have more side effects which we need to manage.  I will be monitored now and will have an ultra sound if it doesn’t settle.

I trust him, he’s the Prof and he has earned his stripes for good reason.  Now off for our little break. Wobble-o- meter back to green 🙂 xx