The forbidden fruit

Blood test passed!!!! Chemo 3 went ahead – over 75% done now – woohooo!!! 1 more to go, I repeat 1 more to go!!!!

It’s such a relief, my throat infection is still lingering and I wasn’t sure how it would effect the bloods.

There was only one thing that tried to get in the way of a good weekend before Chemo and that was my bloody enemy goo$le!!! Why do I do it? WHY DO I DO IT??? it’s like the forbidden fruit. Must resist, MUST resist, can’t resist, CAN’T RESIST…Bad Gem, BAD GEM!!!

forbidden fruit

Let me explain…

It was 7am on Saturday morning, the sore throat was still there but turning into a cold and I had another cough again. Not as bad as last time but I am just so very aware of everything single fricking thing at the moment.  Then I coughed something came up and there was the tiniest bit of stringy blood in it. Guess what google gives you for that – secondary lung cancer per chance????

I really must not go in to overdrive wobble today, I have 2 kids asleep upstairs and I can’t be upset in front of my 13 year old step daughter.  I try and reassure myself that it’s probably from my nose. Everything is connected and I have had a lot of nose bleeds this last chemo. Nose bleeds are normal during Chemo, your ability to clot does decrease.  I know I am probably over reacting but it’s still niggling me.  Not on the scale of last week but enough for the tears to fill up.  Some days it just gets too much!

I have to remember the facts here, small tumour, only 1 node positive, remember the blood facts Gem!

I go upstairs and Hubby’s getting out the shower as he will be taking the kids out for little man’s swimming lesson in 15 mins.  FFS I really don’t want him to see me having 2 wobbles in 8 days, he’s gonna be wanting to trade me in for a non-wobble wife!!!! I can see the divorce papers now – Unreasonable behaviour… wobble after wobble!!

I confess my worries, he tells me straight that it’s probably just the side effects of the radiotherapy and the chemo but as I am still unsettled I say I am gonna give mum a call. I need a “mum” chat.

I don’t do bottling up, it is the advantage of being an extrovert.  The disadvantage is it is 7:30am, but I know she will understand me needing to call so early.

After a 10 minute chat with her I am feeling so much better, I just needed a cry and to talk things through, sometimes you think you are going crazy.  You are so aware of every tiny thing in your body and obviously in your head everything is a met.  Then you have to stop……be logical…. Not google!!!

I’m seeing her in a few hours anyway, we have a lovely family weekend planned.  I am determined to not let it spoil things.  I get a long shower, slap some makeup on and one of my 3 wigs.  I decide on some smart clothes as I am meeting my little bro later and I wanna look my best.  In 30 mins I am ready for the weekend, I have scrubbed up well and when Hubby returns with the kids from swimming, the wobble has gone and “happy, positive” wife has returned.

Thank fu$k for that!

So that was to wobble, it didn’t last long. I mentioned to Prof and he agreed he thought it was from my nose.  The cough has actually subsided now and not had any more blood. Now to rest up for a few days.  Surprisingly my white blood cells and neuts were better than last time, must be those Oils I popped the other day – thank you Oil lady for the emergency advice 😉

Right – time for the Waitrose man to arrive, he best come soon, I am bloody starving from these steroids!!

And as for Goo$le – please pi$$ off out my life, unless I am looking to buy shoes, clothes, makeup that is….. then you can come back!





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