Wow, is it really 11 days since I wrote my last blog post?…..Well they do say time flies when you are having fun!

It’s certainly been a busy couple of weeks in the Davie house! There have been 3 birthdays for a start and we still have one to come!

Mine was first followed by the little man’s and then  my step daughter’s.  The Rock’s is in a couple of days!  It gets so busy here that we have to have a rota system on displaying the birthday cards!

Never mind slotting in Christmas plays, church services and finalising all the prep that goes into Christmas … plus Christmas itself!

At times it’s been exhausting and yes I mean by 7pm I’ve literally been falling asleep sat up in the chair, but it’s been worth every minute!

Nothing was gonna stop our family having amazing birthdays and Christmas this year and I mean NOTHING.

I was talking on fb with an other Breast cancer survivor a couple of week’s go…… a “younger” lady like me…. yep I can still say that, despite a birthday I am just about clinging onto those 30s!!!

…..We were saying how we were both so glad that we had finished treatment and gone full on into Christmas mode.

On a serious note, it has meant that I have been able to focus on Christmas and try to put any worries behind me for now. I am also fully aware that the worries are still gonna be there but this strong cookie will deal with them later, sorry worries but you can “f$&k right off” for the next couple of weeks because this house is buzzing with Christmas spirit right now.

Even the constant hot flushes and night sweats have not got me down. My hubby may think his wife has been swapped with “Sweaty Betty” but at the minute I am not letting them get on top of me and dampen my mood!

I am still playing Christmas tunes 24×7, the new neighbours must love me -NOT!

Everyday has been so special, I was well and truly spoilt on my birthday despite eating my own body weight in cake at Betty’s tearooms.

I even managed to attend my son’s Christingle church service on the last day of term. I can’t begin to tell you how much it meant as I have had to miss out on so many things due to he chemo. I couldn’t help but cuddle and kiss the little man as he sat holding his orange with his lit candle, singing his heart out to carols.

He even knew all the words the the Lord’s Prayer – I was so bloody proud!!!

Although I wasn’t proud of his 45 minute meltdown, yep you heard me 45 bloody minutes and in front of his best friend and Mum who came back to ours!!!

Thankfully she knows me well and from talking to other parents it appears it is that time of year when kids are exhausted from their first term at school and all the events and build up to Christmas.

As my friend said to me the other day, they are only 5 years old! At times I forget that and I do tend to be self critical on my parenting and worry I am not in control.

But then I have to remember, I have just finished chemo too and although to the world with my wig on and a bit of slap on I look “normal”, my body has taking a fricking battering over the last 6 months and in particularly the last 12 weeks from this bloody poison going around my body.

But that bit is over, no more poison and hopefully the side effects I am still dealing with will start to fade.

I’ve actually now started taking my vitamins and food supplements as I was advised not to take anything during chemo so they can monitor the true effect of the chemo so I am hoping they “kick” in soon and that my energy levels start to come back.

It can’t be much fun for hubby having a wife who’s in bed for 8pm and there’s only so many times I can get away with playing the old chemo Card 😉

However despite the chemo, I have actually been able to do all the things I normally do over Christmas. I will probably collapse in a heap today but I don’t care, I really don’t.

I managed to make my little man a birthday cake.  It almost killed me trying to get the bastard icing on the cake, my arm strength is not the greatest with this stupid mild lymphedema and dealing with my sons meltdown didn’t do it any good…… but the cake was a success and it met the little man’s strict criteria!

I felt like I had won the bake off when he gave me his approval although he did correct my grammar. “Mummy, it should say “is 5 today” not just “5 today” ffs!!!!

I decided to refrain from screaming back at him with “do you know how long this bloody cake took me to make?” and instead I to took in the proud moment that at 5 year old he was correcting my grammar!!!

Little monkey is definitely his father’s son with his perfection!!

On Christmas Eve I even managed to go ice skating for my step daughter’s birthday, yep we have Davie birthdays 23, 24 and then it’s xmas day! – if I had a £1 for the amount of times I have been told “bad planning”, I’d be well on my way to a millionaire…. well ok slight exaggeration but you get the gist!!!

I told you it’s full on in this house!

We all loved the ice-skating, well hubby watched from the side lines as it’s not his thing whilst the 3 of us had so much fun!

But the highlight of the week was Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day.

The little man was so excited about Santa coming …….

“Mummy can you get everyone to come to bed now so Santa can come” he shouted down at 8pm!

Actually I managed to stay up that night until 11:30! Think it was a combination of pure excitement and perhaps the potent Christmas Martini that hubby made for me!!

Christmas Day was then the icing on top of the cake.

It’s the day I have been focusing on for weeks, ever since I found out I would be done for Christmas. I love Christmas so much but I can’t tell you how special it felt watching the kids open their stockings with such excitement to sitting around our table with my family.

I even did a little impromptu speech, oil lady will be proud as I had a sniff of my spearmint oil before hand which is supposed to be good for public speaking and confidence…. I did come back in the room smelling of Wrigleys chewing gum factory which actually wasn’t to everyone’s tastes.

It must have worked as my Nanny Noble then said a few emotional words….. for her to stand up was a huge massive thing as it’s been a bloody hard year for this lady. Super proud daughter moment!!!

It was a perfect end to a perfect day and to top it off my hair is starting to grow back!

Merry Christmas everyone! It’s been a bloody good one at the Davie’s!!!

 

Well active treatment is over now so what happens next?

So many of you reading this blog are probably asking the same question? Does the blog end now you have finished treatment? Now it’s all over?

The answer is no bloody way, absolutely NOT!

In fact I know this blog is going to help play such a big part in me coping with the next part of my journey and I know it will help so many others through theirs, as well as helping family and friends of others going through this.

Active treatment aka Surgery, Radiotherapy (aka Rads) and Chemo are only part of this bloody roller coaster

I am told the toughest bit starts here……

Well Lenny if you can hear me from your jar, then you best get ready cos this Yorkshire lass is stronger and tougher than ever before!!!!

“Oh yes I am”

“Oh no you’re not”

“Oh yes I am”

Sorry had to get a bit of Christmas panto in there!!!

So why is this is this next bit tougher?

Well let’s start with what’s happened the last six months.

As I’ve said previously it’s been a whirlwind of treatments, appointments, life changing decisions and all this time I’ve had my medical team by my side, particularly my superhero the Prof. After you finish that your “comfort blanket” is taken away and your pretty much on your own with the exception of the odd review.

Shit bollo£ks what happens now? Panic can start to kick in!

The fact is the person who started this journey isn’t the person who stands here today and the outside world can feel like a scary place.

I know I am not alone with my worries and anxieties going into the next bit, even the strongest and most positive of us have apprehensions……

How will I cope with the side effects of the 10 year tamoxifen?

Will I turn into full on little miss mood swings?

Will I drive my “Rock” away?

Will I ever get over this fatigue?

When will my hair grow back?

How will I cope going back to work full time?

Will I ever be “great” at my job again?

Will I ever be able to run 10k again?

And last but not least

What IF the big C returns?

Pretty scary list right?

The truth is I know for a fact I am a much stronger person coming out of this. Over the past few months I’ve done everything I could to give me the best possible chance of coming through this journey in the best physical and mental state in preparation for this next phase.

Yep planning and preparing is what I do best!

It’s the main reason that I saw two important people this week, my gp and my clinical psychologist.

They won’t ever be my comfort blanket in the same way as the Prof but I know how much I am gonna need them over the weeks, months and potential years to come.

For me it’s all about being proactive with this, at the moment I feel on top of the world, ready to tackle anything but there are little voices that came inside my head at times, yep we call them “wobbles” and I want as many tools and tricks to help ensure those wobbles keep low on that bloody wobble-o-meter.

Right – time to finish writing those christmas cards!!!

 

 

 

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and only 15 sleeps till Santa!

It’s Sunday morning, day 7 since my last chemo and there is snow on the ground, it’s a perfect scene from a Christmas card.

I feel like I have been waiting for his weekend to happen for so long, having our little family all together again and decorating the house ready for Christmas.

When I first began Chemo we didn’t know if I’d be done for Christmas and we were waiting on my Onco Dx test. But here we are, it’s the 10th December and all though the side effects are still looming, as Yazz said in the 80s “the only way is up”

To be honest, it’s been a bit of an emotional week, I still feel like I’ve got a lot of “release” to get out.  I am not ashamed to admit there have been a few tears, I’m finding it’s a bit like a grieving process although I can tell you for sure, I have not grieved Lenny the bloody lump for 1 minute!!

The last few months have been a whirlwind, there has literally been no time to “think”, to “digest” to live.  I’ve been on auto pilot for months and now I think reality is just catching up with me and I’m now actually starting to process in my chemo head what has happened.

The Chemo drugs obviously play a part on your emotions and at the start of the week I had the “high” from finishing Chemo combined with my steroid mates!

Actually, the insomnia hasn’t been so bad this time and I really believe it’s the essential oils I’ve been using. I’ve been taking a natural herbal complex 30 mins before bed and it has worked wonders!

On Thursday, I took my last ever steroid……I hope no one was listening to me “talking to myself”, I was in fact saying goodbye to those little basta$ds who have tried to mess with my body and mind for weeks!

Truth is I had a little leaving speech for the steroids, not that they deserved something so grand but it was all about “closure”!

On Friday the steroid slumps began, Yep it’s that day I feel like I am drunk without the booze!

Thank the lord that Super Nanny and Super Papa came to the rescue and took the little man to his Christmas fayre!

Originally I had planned to take him to both, I was gutted as I’d been so involved in organising the fayre but I knew I could not put myself amongst 100 little people’s germs this close to Christmas.

I will make up for it next year, little man, I promise!

Bless – He brought me back loads of goodies and Papa made me a video of his visit to Santa! – It really melted my heart and it was the next best thing to being there!

Saturday was when the full on steroid slumps took effect and to be absolutely frank I was such a horrible moody cow in the morning.

It hasn’t helped that this chemo cycle I’ve been having constant and I mean constant hot flushes and night sweats that have got me down and worn me out   I also know this could be my life for the next 10 years. Sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming but hopefully they will get better and on the grand scheme of things it’s a small price to pay for being here!

I was so grumpy thought that so I was “advised” to go to bed before I did damage, that Rock of mine has taken some crap off me over the last 24 hours!

The little man has been an absolute pain in the arSe and I have zero patience from the drugs. I can’t help but feel guilty, but I know it’s my worst weekend and strong gem will start to return in a few days!  As I actually write this blog it is like deja-vous of the last cycle and I struggled the same on exactly the same part of the cycle.

But this time, there won’t be another cycle and omg that feels sooooooo good!

So as me and little man sit snuggled up having cuddles at 6am, waiting for the other half of our little family to get up, I look up to the snowy sky and feel so blessed to be here with my beautiful little family.