15 sleeps till Santa!

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas and only 15 sleeps till Santa!


It’s Sunday morning, day 7 since my last chemo and there is snow on the ground, it’s a perfect scene from a Christmas card.

I feel like I have been waiting for his weekend to happen for so long, having our little family all together again and decorating the house ready for Christmas.

When I first began Chemo we didn’t know if I’d be done for Christmas and we were waiting on my Onco Dx test. But here we are, it’s the 10th December and all though the side effects are still looming, as Yazz said in the 80s “the only way is up”

To be honest, it’s been a bit of an emotional week, I still feel like I’ve got a lot of “release” to get out.  I am not ashamed to admit there have been a few tears, I’m finding it’s a bit like a grieving process although I can tell you for sure, I have not grieved Lenny the bloody lump for 1 minute!!

The last few months have been a whirlwind, there has literally been no time to “think”, to “digest” to live.  I’ve been on auto pilot for months and now I think reality is just catching up with me and I’m now actually starting to process in my chemo head what has happened.

The Chemo drugs obviously play a part on your emotions and at the start of the week I had the “high” from finishing Chemo combined with my steroid mates!

Actually, the insomnia hasn’t been so bad this time and I really believe it’s the essential oils I’ve been using. I’ve been taking a natural herbal complex 30 mins before bed and it has worked wonders!

On Thursday, I took my last ever steroid……I hope no one was listening to me “talking to myself”, I was in fact saying goodbye to those little basta$ds who have tried to mess with my body and mind for weeks!

Truth is I had a little leaving speech for the steroids, not that they deserved something so grand but it was all about “closure”!

On Friday the steroid slumps began, Yep it’s that day I feel like I am drunk without the booze!

Thank the lord that Super Nanny and Super Papa came to the rescue and took the little man to his Christmas fayre!

Originally I had planned to take him to both, I was gutted as I’d been so involved in organising the fayre but I knew I could not put myself amongst 100 little people’s germs this close to Christmas.

I will make up for it next year, little man, I promise!

Bless – He brought me back loads of goodies and Papa made me a video of his visit to Santa! – It really melted my heart and it was the next best thing to being there!

Saturday was when the full on steroid slumps took effect and to be absolutely frank I was such a horrible moody cow in the morning.

It hasn’t helped that this chemo cycle I’ve been having constant and I mean constant hot flushes and night sweats that have got me down and worn me out   I also know this could be my life for the next 10 years. Sometimes it feels a bit overwhelming but hopefully they will get better and on the grand scheme of things it’s a small price to pay for being here!

I was so grumpy thought that so I was “advised” to go to bed before I did damage, that Rock of mine has taken some crap off me over the last 24 hours!

The little man has been an absolute pain in the arSe and I have zero patience from the drugs. I can’t help but feel guilty, but I know it’s my worst weekend and strong gem will start to return in a few days!  As I actually write this blog it is like deja-vous of the last cycle and I struggled the same on exactly the same part of the cycle.

But this time, there won’t be another cycle and omg that feels sooooooo good!

So as me and little man sit snuggled up having cuddles at 6am, waiting for the other half of our little family to get up, I look up to the snowy sky and feel so blessed to be here with my beautiful little family.

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