It’s Sunday morning and I have just finished writing my “check list” for today.  Later, I am travelling down to work for my first visit to the office in over 6 months!!

I admit I am full of mixed emotions, I am so excited to be seeing work colleagues again, I’ve not seen them since before Lenny and I am sure there is going to be a whole lot of hugging happening!

But at the same time I am apprehensive for a few reasons…..

1. Forgetting the important things!

Yes, I am more anxious than normal about forgetting stuff, especially the stuff I can’t live without for the next few days!

I am not talking the laptop either although this is fairly high on the list!

I am talking about tamoxifen for a start! I am so paranoid about leaving it behind, it is the first thing on the list! There is no way I am missing one of those little pills and although I know missing a couple probably won’t cause issues, I am not taking risks in that department. In all the risk mitigation actions, this is the bloody important one!

Secondly my oils, OMG I need them in my life. With mixed emotions comes my  set of emotions oil! Oh yes I have one for bloody every emotional in life!

“Cheer” for positively, energy and potentially any wobble moments!

“Balance” to calm me down and reduce the anxiety and stress that 3 days of budgeting may bring!

“Motivate” for getting shit done

“Spearmint” for confidence and not taking any shit!

I am also taking about enough supplements to keep Holland and Barrett in business for about 3 years plus some magic “On Guard” to keep germs away!

I’ve been so lucky to not really get anything during chemo but the reality is my immune system is still low and I ain’t got time for being ill! I know how many germs are around that bloody office too, I don’t care if people think I have “OCD issues”, my boss will have issues if I end up off sick again!!

So that’s just a few things on the “list”!!

2. Being Alone

It’s also been a long time since I have been on my own and I mean without family and friends for months and months. Before Lenny I was frequently away with work and being on my own never bothered me. But I am conscious that for me being alone, especially at nigh,t can be when a wobble starts.

I am so glad that I have been seeing my psychologist though as already I feel like I have some “tools” in my little wobble suitcase for coping with the feelings.

Even seeing her for 3 weeks as really helped me to be more aware of my thoughts and how to deal with them. At some point I will fill you in more…..

3. Leaving the boys

I’m also nervous about leaving the boys. Again, never something that has bothered me. My “Rock” is an amazing dad and when I’m away I just leave him to it. I don’t like calling them lots as I don’t want him to think I am checking up on him and I think it is important for them to have “boy” time.

The nerves are more about worrying about the Rock, worrying about me.

This isn’t easy for partners, they try and hold back their feelings, being “strong” for us but they are human as well

My psychologist called it “adjustment disorder” . That’s the official term. The good thing is that me and the Rock are talking open and honestly about how this is affecting him too. It might have taken him a while to open up but he’s getting there.

The thing I am learning through all this is to have an “open mind”, I will try anything to get my family as “healthy” and as “happy” as we can be.

I’ve even given the Rock a lesson in applying little man’s daily oil. Oh yes little man is also oiled with”On Guard”, I don’t want any bloody germs coming back home in this house!!

4. Hot Flushes

Yep, they are happening several times a day and nightsweats are still a frequent occurrence throughout the night.  I can deal with them at home but the thought of them happening in the middle of presenting a budget to the big cheeses does fill me with some anxiety!!!  Who’d have thought that in the middle of winter I’d be taking a fr$cking fan with me!!!

Oh well, best get back to the packing, oh and did I mention I have a new red work bag? – needs must!!!