It is probably the longest I have gone between blog posts. If I’m honest I think I’ve had writers block!! My head has been a bit over the bloody place the last week or so.
Let’s start with the good stuff first….
Our spa stay was bloody amazing, I can’t tell you how good it felt to do “normal” stuff again like getting a massage! On the 2nd day of the break we even had the entire spa to ourselves, it was heaven!!
I think I did freak the hotel staff out with my constantly changing hairstyles and hair lengths! I decided to wear my wig for what I hope is the last time ever!!
They probably thought hubby had 2 wives, a day and night one!
I even treat myself to a couple of glasses of wine although I did pay for it in bloody night sweats! Apparently Prof reckons it’s due to the wine increasing your circulation!
Ok so life ain’t always rosy and the last few days have been mentally tough…….
So a couple of weeks ago I started with a “niggle” on my right hand side near my ribs.
One thing I have learnt recently from my sessions with my psychologist is about the “Superscanner”
So the theory is that when events happen in our life, they result in making us very sensitive to situations. I remember before I had my little man I could sleep through anything but as soon as I had him it was like a “super hearing” sensor had been switched on and any little noises at night would wake me up as I thought it was him crying. I would always be the one who woke up first to his crying although on a few occasions I did pretend to be asleep and let hubby go deal with him 😉
Well the same principle applies when you have had the big C.
Your brain ends up being wired to “superscan” your body. So you end up noticing every single bast4rd thing wrong with you. Every single bloody ache, pain, niggle on that bloody body of yours especially in areas you are concerned about.
So for me that’s my boobs (obviously), liver, ovaries, bones and brain. They are my “sensitive” areas because they are usually the secondary areas for breast cancer.
Any niggle on these areas, my brain is “querying” has the cancer spread?, whether I like it or not!!!
Thankfully physiologist has given me some tools and tricks to deal with the “Superscanner”.
I won’t go into them now but I have been using them and so for the last couple of weeks I have been monitoring my “niggle” as opposed to freaking out on day 1.
It did coincide with me starting some core strength physio and running but despite cutting those ou,t the “niggle” was still there!
Then I started with abdominal discomforts and the “liver secondaries” dvd started to play on my bloody head!! For a few days I thought the niggle had gone off but after the weekend it had returned!
Looking back I had been “preoccupied” at the weekend with fun at the gin festival but being alone working from home that fricking dvd was playing again and again and even the bloody mindfulness was not able to stop it being on auto play!!!! grrrrr
By Tuesday, I decided enough was enough and the only piece of mind I was going to get was to visit the Prof. He is the only person who completely puts my mind at ease!
So on Wednesday afternoon we took ourselves to the hospital, thank fu$k we have a 4 x 4 with the “beast from the east”!!! He certainly hasn’t helped my anxiety this week!
I managed to bump into all my friends aka receptionists / nurses, I felt at home as soon as I walked in the door!!
I even saw Prof’s secretary, that lady is a legend, getting me in with 24 hours notice meant the world to me!!
I was soooo relieved to see the Prof although I nearly died of embarrassment when I got undressed and realised I hadn’t shaved my pits, ffs third world problems in the consulting room!!! –
Prof put my mind at ease, I’ve torn a ligament in my abs, near the rib. Too localised to be anything related to the breast cancer.
The chemo is also to blame for the stomach discomfort. It can take a good year to get all that bloody poison out your body and Prof explained your body can feel for a long time like it isn’t your own!
Omg if it wasn’t for the snow I would have skipped out of the hospital car park!!
Normal service resumed! Life is all good again 🙂
Now pi$$ off playing “negative” dvds brain cos little miss “feel like gemsy” is back in town!!! and Superscanner you can go take a flying jump too!!