1CA33473-9FE8-4FFD-8348-E9844D98B476.jpegSince this “bad boob” journey began almost 2 years, I’ve met so many other ladies with their own “Shitty Titty” stories.

Sadly a few days ago, the world lost one of it’s “bad boob warriors”.

Felicity aka Flickitty was one bloody amazing lady.  I thought I had a shoe obsession until I stumbled across a cancer research article showing an absolutely gorgeous lady who had stuck 2 fingers up to the Big C and had worn a different pair of funky shoes (yep and I do mean funky / wacky) to her Radiotherapy – yep over 20 different pairs of shoes.

I just had to make contact with this lady, she was my kind of girl and turned out she was a yorkshire lass and her family was as obsessed about Minis as we were!!

….and there our virtual friendship began

We exchanged photos of our pre chemo hair, chatted about our boys (she had 2 little ones) and our passion for raising boob cancer awareness.

A few months later we got to finally meet and I got to “pamper” her family and friends at a breast cancer fundraiser.  She was as beautiful in real life as she was in her shoe photos – inside and out!

Unfortunately in March, the Big C had returned.  A few weeks later this Bad Boob Warrior had become a Bad Boob Angel.

Felicity touched so many peoples lives and although I had only known her a short while, she really touched mine.

My heartfelt thoughts go out to her beautiful family and in her honour I’ll continue the fundraising in the funkiest pair of bloody heels I can find!!!



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1 year since the bell

Yes I am still alive!!!!! – sorry – I know I have been crap at keeping in touch…… If I were your mate then you would probably have told where to shove our friendship…… Is playing the C card still allowed?????

Well today is actually a big milestone – this time last year I was ringing that bloody Chemo bell!!  The past year really has flown by!!!!!returnringthebell

For those who follow the blog, back in September I ran Great North Run!!! OMG it was an amazing achievement and you probably remember I had loads of bloody injuries leading up to it, it was touch and go right up to the race but nothing was gonna stop me!!  The best feeling in the world was seeing my family 200m from the finish – I even had time to give the little man a hug and finished in less than 3 hours – woohoo – 2 fingers to you Lenny!!!

A lot has been changing in my own life too.  The company I worked for got acquired a few weeks ago and we were told to prepare for the worst.  It has been an emotional rollercoaster waiting to find out what was happening with our jobs, but to be honest when you have been through the shit that it is the Big C, it puts everything else into perspective.  I lot of my colleagues have been really stressed where as I have been little miss chilled – well mostly, no wobblemeter reading required although I did decide to get absolutely hammered when I finally got told that I would be leaving end of Feb – omg I did pay for all those double grand mariner’s I DEMANDED hubby to get me!!!!! – never been so ill in over 10 years!!!

So it was time to get the dust off my cv. It hadn’t been updated for years and actually the thought of interviewing did scare me.  I used to be so bloody good at interviewing but as I say to a lot of people,  I’m a different person now and the Big C did knock my confidence, the same way baby brain did!!!

But I gave myself a pep talk before the interview and smothered myself in confidence oils – the magic potions must have worked as I got a job offer a couple of weeks ago!!!

I will really miss my colleagues, I’ve been with the same company over 9 years and I’ve been through so much with them divorce, marriage, child birth, the big C.  Deep down though I am ready for a change, I need a new challenge  and although I feel like a family is being split up, the family will still keep in touch!

A couple of week’s ago I had my review with the Prof.  Good news – Bloods normal!!!! Normal never felt so good!!! I even got a hug from Mr Pink Pants.  He still is my superhero, I think he always will be.  Unfortunately, he’s having to be the superhero to some of my friends too…. Not so good

Yep the Big C gets everywhere. The bas$tard Big C has invaded one of my closest friends. A boob invader big C like me.  It’s weird, when it happens to one of your friends it’s a strange emotion.  I now have an appreciation of what my friends went through with me.  I felt so angry at first, then an overwhelming wanting to help and support her.  I guess I feel that having been through this, I can help her in ways even those really close to her can’t.  If she is reading this blog, I want her to know that me helping her, is helping me too, don’t ever worry about asking too many questions.  It also makes me thankful for all the help I got and still get from my amazing boob friends.

I must admit, I am super-excited about December and the build up to Christmas.  Last year having fu$k all immunity meant I had to miss out on Christmas fairs, pantos, plays.  Well guess what, this year I am going to every bloody event going in the calendar, whether I am invited or not!!!!

Oh Jingle bells, jingle bells….

The Return of the Boob Toastie

So 2 weeks ago, it was time to face the music and have my first mammogram since Lenny was evicted.  I must admit, it was not an experience I was looking forward to……

The bad boob is still so bloody sore even without being sandwich pressed into the “boob toastie” machine and of course you can’t help but think “what if it’s come back”???

The actual mammogram itself was fine, at least this time they didn’t pump dye and turned my arm into Popeye the Sailor man unlike my first mammogram!

It was a few days later when the after effects of the “squash” started to kick in – I tell you it was more bloody painful than the boob surgery!!

It’s not been easy 9 days of “waiting”…. I’ve been quite a stroppy cow at times and my usual “motivated” self had completely lost her mojo.  It didn’t help that 2 weeks ago I had to call hubby to come and pick me up half way through my 11 mile training run.  I am sure someone is really trying to “test” me at the moment…… First the suspected stress fracture now my bloody knee is hurting.

I haven’t got time for injuries, I’ve got great north run in less than 3 weeks!! Sod off injuries.

I’ve felt like my life has been on “hold” until the results.  I wasn’t expecting bad news but I just needed see it in writing!

So last Wednesday was results day.  Hubby and I had agreed – if it was good news, we were going out for dinner, if it was bad news I was getting pi$$ed!!

I’d just literally sat down in my consultant’s office when I heard “your mammogram is clear”!!!! Wooohhoooo I felt like a free woman!, I refrained from giving him a big hug and kiss and instead had a boob inspection, I don’t think I have ever been “inspected” so much but best to be extra safe than sorry.

The consultant was so pleased with the  new boobs that he asked if he could take pics for a training seminar on the reconstruction technique that I had, not quite a page 3 model but I’ve asked for half the royalties!

My day got better …… I went to get my knee checked and I have weird band syndrome, I know I know but chemo brain kicks in at all the wrong times!!!  Apparently common for runners but it isn’t a show stopper! It does mean no running at the moment but she did say I could try a very SLOW jog…… OMG what a day!!!!

Gemsy is back, complete with Mojo !!




Happy 1st Birthday Lenny

Can you believe last friday was a year ago exactly that I was given the “official” letter that I had an unwanted boob squatter, Lenny the boob cancer lump.

Bollock$ ..shi$, crap, I was not expecting that at 38!

Well Lenny, I guess it would have been your 1st birthday today, sorry Lenny but you are not here to blow out your candle!

It’s strange, I guess I didn’t know how I would feel. They say cancer-versaries are tough, but I’ve actually been emotionally in a good place.

I am not naive enough to think it won’t catch up with me, Cancer dvds have got a funny bloody way of creeping up on you when you least expect it!

One thing that I have really noticed the last few weeks, I don’t go to bed anymore thinking of the big C or waking up with the cancer dvd playing – that’s got to be a good thing right?

It’s not been easy either the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a couple of curb balls chucked at me.

First I had a suspected stress fracture on my leg – thankfully turned out to be soft tissue issue but for a few hours I thought my Great North Run dreams were over!   I did have tears in my eyes which turned to bloody tears of joy when the x-ray came back clear!!!

Secondly, my company has just been acquired.  Maybe pre cancer I might have worried that bit more but when you have had this horrible basta$d disease try and threaten your life and your happiness – the other stuff just doesn’t seem to matter the same.

What will be, will be….. health is more important than any job!

On a more happier note though, it’s been an amazing couple of weeks with my little one.  Lenny has not got in the way of him having a great year at school.  100% attendance ( got to thank the oils for that),  exceeding in Reading and Maths and great at solving problems – what  more can you ask for!

He came home with “big boy” books last week, he was so proud! No more Biff and bloody Kipper!!! – woohoo!!!!!

But guess what, his book was about Lenny!!! ffs!!! but he did say to me “Mummy, it’s ok, It’s not about Lenny the lump” – phew!!

I have certainly made up for not being able to attend all the winter school events due to chemo, I was the proudest Mummy in the world watching him in his school play  as a beetle and see him finish 2nd in his sport’s day races!

I did avoid the Mum’s race though, there is no bloody way I am risking getting another injury, nothing is stopping me finish the Great North Run!!!

Instead I am gonna raise  glass or too and toast to good health and happiness and making every day count!







Goodbye Chemo Curls!

So I made the decision last week that enough was enough and the chemo curls had to go.

If I’m honest they were getting me down, really down, which to others may sound pathetic but when you look in the mirror every morning and there is a bloody 80 year old staring back at you, it’s not the best for your self esteem!

It hasn’t helped matters that next week I am having a WeightWatchers photo shoot to be in their breast cancer awareness issue.  I should be on cloud nine at the fact they want to publish my story but all I could think about was this hair!

What sort of role model am I going to be looking like a granny! They’d probably take one look at me and ask if I was accompanying my granddaughter to her shoot!

I’d got so emotional about it all that I was holding back the tears when I got to the hairdressers.

“It’s making me depressed” I said to my lovely hairdresser. Not a phrase I use lightly so you can get how low I was starting to feel!!!!

She tried to convince me to keep them but I was having none of it. They had to go, every single one of them, if I left the salon with even one curl in my hair, it was one too many.

The granny was going!


I had never been so excited about the ghd’s coming out since I bought my first pair 10 years ago! I was like a kid in a fricking sweet shop!

By the end of it, I’d got more product in my hair than the cast of “Hairspray” but I didn’t not give a monkeys!!

Gemsy was back! I could literally feel the confidence coming back in my face as I looked in the mirror!

Even my Rock said it looked good and that was without prompting so it must look bloody good!!!!

And when your mum says “yes Gem, it did look like a granny perm and looks so much better now”…….you know you have made the right decision!

Next stop, getting rid of these unwanted grey “sparkles”, they can pi$$ off as well!!

Don’t call me “Mate”!!

left hook

Just when you think you have turned a corner with energy, Mr Fatigue punches you back in the face, this time with a full on left hook!


Pi$$ off back to where you came from!!!

I’ve been waiting for him to make an appearance since my trip down to the office last week!… I knew he would make an appearance…..

Fatigue is one of those strange things to explain, it’s so much more than tiredness, it almost feels like you’ve had another round of chemo but without the steroids!!

The problem is once you finish treatment and your hair starts to grow back, people including yourself forget what our bodies have been through and what they are still going through!

To the world we look “normal” but unfortunately we are far from the people we used to be, physically and mentally, even 4 months down the line.

I remember hr telling me it would be months before “normal” service was resumed and they were right!

For days I can feel “fine” then smack wallop, the reminder that my body is still recovering from this bloody poison.  When the fatigue happens, it really takes over your body and all you want to do is find a hole and hibernate!

It is frustrating at time, particularly when you have led a busy life and are trying to juggle work with being a mum, wife, sister daughter and friend.

Anyways,  on a lighter note I will give you a hair growth update!

They don’t call it chemo “curl” for no good reason! I thought I’d got away with it but then discovered a couple of weeks ago that my hair is growing outwards than bloody downwards!

I know I should be grateful my hair is growing back, in fact it’s growing fast and really thick!

It’s definitely greyer than it was but as my hubby said to me  “you could always use a sharpie pen to colour in the grey fleck” ffs I sound like a carpet! …..Gemsy mix. Thick pile, Brown with a grey flecks !!!

He’s only jealous as I have curlier hair than him at the minute!!!

I wonder how long your hair has to be before the ghd’s come out? I even had to buy myself some “serum oil” to tame the curls!

I also had to buy some conditioner! I was so excited, it really is the little things that mean so much to us survivors!

I do wish these hot flushes and night sweats would f$uk off though, It hasn’t helped that I had to miss hedgehogging aka acupuncture last week.

I’ve been having it religiously for a couple of months now but last week I was travelling with work so had to give it a miss………Boy have a suffered for not having it!

So last weekend we went away for a child free evening to a hotel and spa.

Some old lady “tried” to make me feel guilty about leaving our 5 year old with his Nanny and Papa so I thought I would subtly play the old C card when she asked me what treatment I was having.

You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I was having a cancer friendly massage. She actually did apologise and said to take back what she had just said!

To be honest it didn’t bother me, why should I feel guilty about leaving my 5 year old? Date nights are an essential part of any relationship and although I do love the little man more than anything in the world, I know how much Nanny and Papa love having him.

Why are people so judgemental??

Her issue….. not mine and as my fellow boob cancer mate told me, “you need to play that C card once in a while, better than a group on voucher!!”

So in the night I kept waking up with a night sweat, bloody air-con was being about as much use as a chocolate teapot and the windows were on those ba$tard safety catch settings!! Ffs what was I supposed to do?

Then I had cunning plan, surely the mini bar fridge was going to be my saviour and all I would need to do was open the door for a fresh cool breeze…… or maybe not!

The bloody “do not disturb” sign on our door produced more cold air than the mini bar!

I had to resort to taking a cold drink out of the mini bar and rolling it all over my wrists, chest, head…. the things you do to get rid of a hot flush!

Message for Mum,

I am sorry for all those times I took the pi$$ out of you for your hot flushes! I truly am!!