left hook

Just when you think you have turned a corner with energy, Mr Fatigue punches you back in the face, this time with a full on left hook!

fatigue

Pi$$ off back to where you came from!!!

I’ve been waiting for him to make an appearance since my trip down to the office last week!… I knew he would make an appearance…..

Fatigue is one of those strange things to explain, it’s so much more than tiredness, it almost feels like you’ve had another round of chemo but without the steroids!!

The problem is once you finish treatment and your hair starts to grow back, people including yourself forget what our bodies have been through and what they are still going through!

To the world we look “normal” but unfortunately we are far from the people we used to be, physically and mentally, even 4 months down the line.

I remember hr telling me it would be months before “normal” service was resumed and they were right!

For days I can feel “fine” then smack wallop, the reminder that my body is still recovering from this bloody poison.  When the fatigue happens, it really takes over your body and all you want to do is find a hole and hibernate!

It is frustrating at time, particularly when you have led a busy life and are trying to juggle work with being a mum, wife, sister daughter and friend.

Anyways,  on a lighter note I will give you a hair growth update!

They don’t call it chemo “curl” for no good reason! I thought I’d got away with it but then discovered a couple of weeks ago that my hair is growing outwards than bloody downwards!

I know I should be grateful my hair is growing back, in fact it’s growing fast and really thick!

It’s definitely greyer than it was but as my hubby said to me  “you could always use a sharpie pen to colour in the grey fleck” ffs I sound like a carpet! …..Gemsy mix. Thick pile, Brown with a grey flecks !!!

He’s only jealous as I have curlier hair than him at the minute!!!

I wonder how long your hair has to be before the ghd’s come out? I even had to buy myself some “serum oil” to tame the curls!

I also had to buy some conditioner! I was so excited, it really is the little things that mean so much to us survivors!

I do wish these hot flushes and night sweats would f$uk off though, It hasn’t helped that I had to miss hedgehogging aka acupuncture last week.

I’ve been having it religiously for a couple of months now but last week I was travelling with work so had to give it a miss………Boy have a suffered for not having it!

So last weekend we went away for a child free evening to a hotel and spa.

Some old lady “tried” to make me feel guilty about leaving our 5 year old with his Nanny and Papa so I thought I would subtly play the old C card when she asked me what treatment I was having.

You should have seen the look on her face when I told her I was having a cancer friendly massage. She actually did apologise and said to take back what she had just said!

To be honest it didn’t bother me, why should I feel guilty about leaving my 5 year old? Date nights are an essential part of any relationship and although I do love the little man more than anything in the world, I know how much Nanny and Papa love having him.

Why are people so judgemental??

Her issue….. not mine and as my fellow boob cancer mate told me, “you need to play that C card once in a while, better than a group on voucher!!”

So in the night I kept waking up with a night sweat, bloody air-con was being about as much use as a chocolate teapot and the windows were on those ba$tard safety catch settings!! Ffs what was I supposed to do?

Then I had cunning plan, surely the mini bar fridge was going to be my saviour and all I would need to do was open the door for a fresh cool breeze…… or maybe not!

The bloody “do not disturb” sign on our door produced more cold air than the mini bar!

I had to resort to taking a cold drink out of the mini bar and rolling it all over my wrists, chest, head…. the things you do to get rid of a hot flush!

Message for Mum,

I am sorry for all those times I took the pi$$ out of you for your hot flushes! I truly am!!

 

 

 

The M word

Why is it that every time I pick up a magazine, watch an advert, turn on a tv chat show, it’s always about the bloody M word, M as in Menopause?!

M Word

It’s a bit like when you buy a new car and you start noticing cars like yours everywhere!  Maybe they’ve always been there? but I guess at 39 I wasn’t always looking out for Menopausal articles, I thought I’d have another 15 years before I had to deal with all that crap!

I used to feel the cold so much, I know I know I am a bloody Northener, I should be used to the cold but I always felt like my thermostat was 10c below everyone else’s.  Now it’s more like 4 bloody seasons in a day, I’m worse than the british weather for my ups and downs in temperature!  One minute I’ll be in my jumper, coat, hat – the next I’m stripping off to my knickers!!! – thank goodness I work from home!!

Don’t get me wrong I am very thankful to have hormone therapy in order to help reduce the risk of Lenny or any of his mates returning but some days I just wish the hot flushes / night sweats would pi$$ right off!

Take this weekend, girlie spa day, all relaxed having my back massaged when guess who turns up, uninvited!!!!!!! Yep, Harry the fricking hot flush!!

Thankfully I had already explained to the therapist that Harry could make an appearance, she ended up spending half the massage taking off the blanket, back on, back off, back on!!!!

Oh well it didn’t spoil the weekend!

I’ve also had to change my wardrobe too, I know any excuse to shop but on a serious note, I have to really think about what I wear especially on an evening out when the hot flushes seem to go on overdrive.  Sleeveless is usually the option, just need to get rid of these bingo wings!!

Apparently there are 34 side effects of Menopause, Hot flushes and night sweats being top of the list.

Apart from the hot flushes, my side effects so far on the tamoxifen have been minimal.  I guess I was expecting my “mood” to be worse, I do find my mood can change but my magic oils seem to be really helping there, don’t know how I would cope without them!!

Oh and guess whose had their eyebrows waxed last week? yep that will be me! Another tick on the hair growth box!

The hair is also continuing to grow, had to order myself some more magic Rosemary oil and I am so excited that I’ve had to order some conditioner! I’ve not had to use conditioner for months!!!

It won’t be long and I will be having to get the cobwebs off the hairdryer! Although not quite sure how hot flushes and hairdryer will mix, I’ll probably need another bloody shower after drying it!

But It’s these little things that mean so much to us Cancer Survivors!

 

 

 

 

 

Short, back and sides

Well Friday was a big milestone… drum roll please….. I had my first haircut!!!

Yep short back and sides for Gemsy!

Well ok, not quite the first haircut of my life but my first one since that bloody poison robbed me of it!

The thought of losing my hair was the first thing that came into my head when I was told that Chemo was “recommended” as part of my treatment plan.

I remember that day well, I still remember the car journey home and asking hubby “will you still love me with no hair?”

“Braving the shave” definitely helped me to cope with the trauma of losing it by “taking control of the situation” and for anyone reading my blog who is about to start chemo I would definitely seriously consider shaving it off before the large clumps of hair come or in your hand.

On the plus side my wigs have been amazing and I’ve had a lot of fun with them but I am not going to lie, I’ve had my moments of grieving for my long locks back.

One thing I never really thought about though was the “growing back” bit.  Every week I’ve been taking a “Saturday selfie” of my hair growth since I finished chemo.   As each week has passed something “new” has happened to my hair, from a few sprouts to to looking like a little chick with my fuzzy stuck up hair.

It really is an amazing transformation when I look back at the selfies. There is a bit more grey than before but I’ll choose grey hair over being a baldy any day -sorry Dad 😉

The magic “Rosemary” oil I have been using has definitely helped!

Well only 3 more months and I can slap on some hair dye, apparently you shouldn’t dye your hair for 6 months.

I might have to celebrate with a gin, I definitely think first haircut is classed as a “special” occasion on my “only drinking” on special occasions!!hairgrowth