Superscanner

It is probably the longest I have gone between blog posts. If I’m honest I think I’ve had writers block!! My head has been a bit over the bloody place the last week or so.

Let’s start with the good stuff first….

Our spa stay was bloody amazing, I can’t tell you how good it felt to do “normal” stuff again like getting a massage! On the 2nd day of the break we even had the entire spa to ourselves, it was heaven!!

I think I did freak the hotel staff out with my constantly changing hairstyles and hair lengths! I decided to wear my wig for what I hope is the last time ever!!

They probably thought hubby had 2 wives, a day and night one!

I even treat myself to a couple of glasses of wine although I did pay for it in bloody night sweats! Apparently Prof reckons it’s due to the wine increasing your circulation!

Ok so life ain’t always rosy and the last few days have been mentally tough…….

So a couple of weeks ago I started with a “niggle” on my right hand side near my ribs.

One thing I have learnt recently from my sessions with my psychologist is about the “Superscanner”

superscanner

 

So the theory is that when events happen in our life, they result in making us very sensitive to situations. I remember before I had my little man I could sleep through anything but as soon as I had him it was like a “super hearing” sensor had been switched on and any little noises at night would wake me up as I thought it was him crying.  I would always be the one who woke up first to his crying although on a few occasions I did pretend to be asleep and let hubby go deal with him 😉

Well the same principle applies when you have had the big C.

Your brain ends up being wired to “superscan” your body. So you end up noticing every single bast4rd thing wrong with you. Every single bloody ache, pain, niggle on that bloody body of yours especially in areas you are concerned about.

So for me that’s my boobs (obviously), liver, ovaries, bones and brain. They are my “sensitive” areas because they are usually the secondary areas for breast cancer.

Any niggle on these areas, my brain is “querying” has the cancer spread?, whether I like it or not!!!

Thankfully physiologist has given me some tools and tricks to deal with the “Superscanner”.

I won’t go into them now but I have been using them and so for the last couple of weeks I have been monitoring my “niggle” as opposed to freaking out on day 1.

It did coincide with me starting some core strength physio and running but despite cutting those ou,t the “niggle” was still there!

Then I started with abdominal discomforts and the “liver secondaries” dvd started to play on my bloody head!!  For a few days I thought the niggle had gone off but after the weekend it had returned!

Looking back I had been “preoccupied” at the weekend with fun at the gin festival but being alone working from home that fricking dvd was playing again and again and even the bloody mindfulness was not able to stop it being on auto play!!!! grrrrr

By Tuesday, I decided enough was enough and the only piece of mind I was going to get was to visit the Prof. He is the only person who completely puts my mind at ease!

So on Wednesday afternoon we took ourselves to the hospital, thank fu$k we have a 4 x 4 with the “beast from the east”!!!  He certainly hasn’t helped my anxiety this week!

I managed to bump into all my friends aka receptionists / nurses, I felt at home as soon as I walked in the door!!

I even saw Prof’s secretary, that lady is a legend, getting me in with 24 hours notice meant the  world to me!!

I was soooo relieved to see the Prof although I nearly died of embarrassment when I got undressed and realised I hadn’t shaved my pits, ffs third world problems in the consulting room!!! –

Prof put my mind at ease, I’ve torn a ligament in my abs, near the rib. Too localised to be anything related to the breast cancer.

The chemo is also to blame for the stomach discomfort. It can take a good year to get all that bloody poison out your body and Prof explained your body can feel for a long time like it isn’t your own!

Phewwwwwwwwwwweeeee

Omg if it wasn’t for the snow I would have skipped out of the hospital car park!!

Normal service resumed! Life is all good again 🙂

Now pi$$ off playing “negative” dvds brain cos little miss “feel like gemsy” is back in town!!! and Superscanner you can go take a flying jump too!!

Help I’ve been Hedgehogged!

So after giving myself a good talking to last week, I decided to make sure I took it easy this week and not be mad dashing all over the bloody place.  It did mean that I didn’t go to my Auntie’s birthday bash and I did feel bad about that but I know she would understand.  It wasn’t so much actually going, but it’s a good hour’s drive each way and I knew I just needed to “be kind to myself”.

Well in terms of milestones, it’s been another good week.  I got my ar$e into gear and got back on the treadmill.  Not sure if I mentioned it but 2 weeks ago I nearly put myself in hospital tripping over my laptop charger to run to get the door.  I really hope no one was looking through the windows as it was not a pretty sight.  I could just see the headlines now…..

“Woman survives  big C but is killed by a laptop charger”!!!!!

It hurt so much that I had a little cry to myself, proper needed a “Mummy cuddle” and a “Magic Kiss” to make it better!!!  At the time it was my nail that hurt the most.  The ba$tard chemo has left my nails looking like something from a horror movie and a couple have come loose.  Bending one back to stop me from falling over was probably not the best decision I have made!!!

Anyways after an hour, the nail throbbing subsided but then I realised that my toe was getting worse and worse.  I took off my sock and it was bright red.  It was so bloody sore, there was no way I could do any running on it.  Then it turned a lovely blue colour and was like it a few days.  The old “Superwoman” would have tried to run on it but this new sensible version of Superwoman decided to rest!  I even put my “Deep Blue” magic oil on to take down the inflammation!

So on Tuesday I decided it was time to get back on the treadmill.  I’d set a goal for Febrary to get back to running a full 5k and I was determined to do it!  So I stuck on my tunes and took myself to my “She Shed” that also doubles up as the “Gem’s Gym”

My PB since Lenny was 30 minutes although it was 3 weeks since I had done that!  I remember when I did Couch to 5k that they say once you get over about the 12 minutes its “mind over matter”, well I had a lot of bloody mind to get to 30 mins!

With the help of my mate Chris Martin singing his tunes to me, I only went and ran 36 mins and a full 5k!!!! OMG I felt bloody brilliant.  I was back on my new running journey, kicking the Big C’s Butt – only another 3 x 5ks and I will be at the Great North Run distance!!!! Easy peasey…NOT!!! But it is baby steps as I keep getting told!

I felt so bloody great from the run that I decided to sign up for a 4.5 mile run with my GNR mate in April.  I do need to have some mini goals to get me to the half marathon distance!

On Thursday I decided to get “hedgehogged”, well before you all think I have lost the plot, it is “Our Rosie’s” name for having Acupuncture.  As I have said before, I will try bloody anything to get rid of these fu$king hot flushes and night sweats.  I’d never been Hedgehogged before, I’d been told it wasn’t painful and to be honest the pain was the least of my worries.  The night before I had convinced myself I was gonna get Hepatitis from a dirty needle!!! – Sounds so bloody ridiculous now but in the middle of the night, post nightsweat – anything is possible!!!

hedgehog

Thankfully as soon as I got to the hedgehog lady I realised that the “prickles” were disposable …phew!!! – I am a muppet at times!!!

The whole experience was sooooo interesting…..people were right, it didn’t hurt.  The prickles went mental in my ear when the probe went over “hormones” and “temperature” No shit Sherlock!!!

In a strange way, I found it relaxing and I’m booked in for another session this week!

It must have given me some energy though as yesterday I decided I was gonna go for my first outdoor “proper” run for 7 months.  Running to the next village felt pretty good but running back was a killer with those bloody hills.  I was proper tired when I got home but guess what…… I had run 5k!!!!!!! Which means this “hedgehog” is going back to ParkRun!!!!!!

Now to finish packing for our well earned Spa Break!!! Gym gear not included!

Superwoman

Ok, Confession time, cards on the table…….

  1. I’m shattered
  2. I’m grumpy
  3. I’ve over done it!

Why do I seem to forget I am not Superwoman???

Superwoman

It took me until Friday to realise how much the week had taken out of me…… Yep  5 days into the week, that will be the chemo brain “delayed” reaction!

This week was always gonna be a busy one. It was the week I was seeing my Superhero the “Prof” for my first review since the end of my treatment and also to have a boob check with the man in charge of the sewing aka the Surgeon.

What I didn’t plan for was that our budgeting deadlines would get pushed into this week which meant I was having to deal with the most stressful week of the year at work and fit in all the appointments whilst trying to still deal with a “phased” return to work and deal with a stroppy 5 year old……. hmmmm interesting combo!!!

The good news is the hospital appointments went really well! In fact it was so lovely to see the team led by “Super Prof” who have looked after me like royalty over the last 6 months.

As I’ve said before, it’s a scary world when active treatment finishes and you often feel like you are on your own trying to steer your boat back to the shore (aka normal life).

Seeing Prof and having the reassurance that all my bloods are good, my body is recovering well really does help settle those nerves and tick another milestone box.

As usual I had a page full of questions for him as I have been resisting the temptation of devil called Goo$le!

You would have been proud, I went to all my appointments  wig free!.  The Prof was very impressed with my hair growth,…..

“That will be the Rosemary Oil, Prof” I told him very proudly!

Oh I still love my Oils! and my “no nasties” Tropic skincare. ****Commercial Plug***** but hey, there are only so many times people can keep saying “OMG, Your skin looks amazing” and you not realise it’s the lovely stuff you have been putting on your skin to combat Chemo wrinkles for the last 3 months!

Ok, Commerical over and back to the Prof……..I was honest with him about the fact that my hot flushes and night sweats have got worse but I told him it was “dooable” and I didn’t want to “mess” with the tamoxifen by taking more drugs to deal with the menopausal side effects.

I know the jury is out on the use of Anti-depressants for the severe menopausal side effects and their effectiveness on the Tamoxifen…… but for me, I do not want to give the Tamoxifen any excuse not to work!

I tell you since I had chemo, I’ve become slightly obsessed with what gets put in my body especially drugs and their bloody side effects.

Tamoxifen has also given me a rash under my skin, it’s like invisible goosebumps. It doesn’t bother me and on the scale of side effects it could be so much worse.  I just feel like I’ve forgotten to scrub off my exfoliator!

I know it still is early days and Prof did say the side effects should reduce once my body gets used to being “slam dunked” into Menopause.

Instead I am gonna try acupuncture, I’ll give anything a go these days! If sticking some needles in my face gets rid of these night sweats then it’s bloody worth it!!

I also got a glowing report from the surgeon. I did have a “post surgery photo shoot” and laughed that the last time he took a photo I was covered in “Sharpie” pen.  He did show me a photo of the “pre” surgery boobs……Omg I had forgotten how “droopy” they were, every cloud has a silver lining though and I got a better pair even if the Lenny invaded one does feel like it has been beaten up at the minute, especially after being poked and prodded!

Unfortunately, the fatigue started to hit on Thursday.   I’d also had a late night going to see Strictly. It was a fab girlie evening but OMG my body is not used to late nights! I’m normally having me mug of cocoa at 8pm!

The fatigue then turned into me being a moody cow with a very short fuse and then the tears just came flooding out.

“I can’t do my job anymore” I cried out to hubby. It had just got all too much and exhaustion had kicked in.

There and then I had a full on meltdown!!!! but boy did I need it!!!! Sometimes you just need a good cry and a “vent”!!!

Thankfully after some sleep I felt a lot better, funny how things seem so much better in a morning!??

The good thing is I do recognise I have done too much. It has been a wake up call and I have to remember I am not superwoman!

I am a Cancer Survivor, surely that deserves it’s own Superhero status?!  I can’t remember reading about Superwoman dealing with losing her locks, nightsweats and returning to work!!

In all seriousness, we all know Superwoman does not exist and as for the other women that we think are Superwomen, honestly they are most likely struggling themselves.

This is the real world so instead of trying to be Superwoman and get on 4 loads of washing before 7am on a Sunday.  I am gonna go and give those boys of mine a cuddle.

It’s that stuff that matters, the bloody washing pile can wait!!!!

A messy home is a happy home right??

But let’s get one thing straight……Super Prof…. now he is most definitely real!